I would like to call your attention to our darling Allen "Delsyn" Rausch who, until very recently, lived in a small cave furnished only with a PC and piles and piles of real-time strategy games. We fetched Allen out of his ramshackle hovel in order to introduce him to the world of first-person shooters and multiplayer that requires strategic thought of a different sort than he's used to. I'm pleased to say that our experiment worked very well and Allen is now scoring headshots at a fourth-grade level. We couldn't be more proud... our little guy is all grown up now!
Seriously though, we were ecstatic to have Allen with us this time out... he actually turned out to be quite an asset. I still like to tease him about his performance though, because I know that he hasn't had much experience with the fast and frantic run 'n gun and is a bit sensitive to chiding; for example, he sobbed for a week (like a kid who'd slammed his finger in a car door) when Sal beat him in a World in Conflict tournament. So, yeah, Allen's a fun guy to poke fun at.
Sterling is a Baby
About ten minutes into things, my new boss-master Sterling "Shamefully Craven" McGarvey comes running up to the capture station where I was busily blasting the crap out of my fellow GameSpies and our superb readers and starts bawling like a newborn. I couldn't make out exactly what his grievance was, mostly because of all the crying and resulting mucus spray, but I interpreted that he was having trouble adapting to the PC controls given his repeated wrist flapping, which made him look a bit like a giant circus seal with an afro begging for a fish.
Long story short: Sterling couldn't figure out how to knife people (I think you press the V key, if I remember correctly) and Sal's speedy slicing had him in quite a state. Of course, after I directed him to the "options" screen in which he might examine the lay-out of the "controls," he seemed to enjoy the game much more. Of course, the real point here is that Sterling wins most shamefully craven yet again, but this time for real-life cowardice in the face of a daunting PC control scheme. For shame, sir.
May I Have the Envelope, Please
This is the part wherein I pass out the immaterial awards for meritorious or heinous conduct. I'm sure you are all used to the fact that I don't keep any sort of track of what really happened by now, so I'll dispense with that pretense. Without further lies designed to get you to not care about my shoddy scorekeeping, I give you the awards from our Call of Duty 4: Modern Combat 'Spy-Hunter #22:
Wouldn't you be more comfy with a guitar? [GSpy] Sluggo
We have to use planes to kill him: [GSpy] Fargo
All Ghillied up: Ivanhoe (sweet Ghillie suit, dude!)
Seriously good at this: LIF3L3SS (tops on the scorecard almost every time!)
Chatty Kathy: Vizor-Hitman (cut the chatter! j/k)
Ironman endurance: Vievite (he played every game with us)
Evil knifery: TIE! Vizor-Hitman (got me in the back) and [GSpy] Sluggo
Showing off the animation: Slayerlink (dance for the camera!)
King of the Spetsnaz: Stray
Keep away from open silos: [GSpy] GabeSpy (I fall right in)
Traitorous grenadier: TIE! [GSpy] Sh33py666 and [GSpy] Joynt
Most Shamefully Craven: Sterling (aka whiny whiny crybaby McGarvey)
Please take a moment to mentally congratulate these fine (and not so fine) fellows on a job well done. They have all demonstrated particular valor on the digital battlefield and should be remembered in the annals of heroism. Thanks go to all for a good game.
